The Demon That Haunts Me

You see it’s no lie that I’m nervous.
Excuse me, if this one takes a while to be described.

See, this poem in itself is a cautionary tale,
and before I start let me warn you,
this story might not have what you anticipated for it to entail.

See this pain, it scorches deep into my skull and roots from my deepest fears.
My greatest wish, is that others will be able to take it
and hone the lesson I intend to teach throughout their years

Darkness when I close my eyes and darkness when they are open. Silence when my mouth is shut and silence when my words are spoken

No progress is made when I’m standing still and yet no progress is made when I take long strides and reach the top of the hill

See my oppression and my oppressor are not one and the same but there isn’t one without the other in this cruel and twisted game

No progress is made when I’m standing still and yet no progress is made when I take long strides and reach the top of the hill

See time after time I make the mistake again,
and force myself back to the start, far from the finish line at which I aim.

Burning with desire to succeed and with disdain for failure. Even though again I am reminded they are not one and the same, but one cannot come without the other.

As I continue, my fear grows and shapes into this terrifying beast that gnaws on my flesh and mind while I sleep.
My doubts and insecurities itself become a feast meanwhile the angel on my shoulder remains at peace

The demons inside of me scream and writhe in pain meanwhile the angel watches disdain.
Every time I kneel and pray the angel smiles as my soul is cleansed and the demons are banished away

Each demon except that one,
that hangs in the corner of my mind and my heart,
that was there in the end and is there when I start.

When it starts to bang and beat on my mind and heart screaming you’re not enough and you belong among such works of art

“You are an outsider you do not belong here”
And the fear  that somebody else will hear the demon and believe him is another one of my fears

A fear as haunting as the ghost of my thoughts resurfacing through the years,
as haunting as my dreams that warn and foreshadow the pain and the trouble I will know in the future far and near.

My demons have many names and hover all around haunting me for many years.
Some would call it depression or just simply say that my mind isn’t right.

My constant fear only grows, the fear that i am not the only one who knows,
Who sees the truth behind the facade, the fear that they all know keeps me awake at night

I’m afraid I can’t get a job because i’m unreliable, one day my friends will say the same.
They’ll say to me it’s just an excuse because they don’t understand my pain

The demon that beats on my heart and mind will whisper in their ears and from him everyone will see me a hollow child quietly watching her resurfacing fears.

The demon will tell them “They’re a problem, and lazy and not worth the time”
But I’m hardworking, and trustworthy, a friend who gives her all, and all the time

But they’ll listen to the demon and they’ll make up their minds not knowing what it really is that haunts my mind.

The demon haunting me and society’s will to work with him only serves to help him win.

My oppression and my oppressor are not one in the same but one can not be without the other as seen time after time again.

I wrote this poem in the hope’s that someone would read it and understand the plight of those with mental illnesses so that one day the fears they hold will no longer have to be the realities that they face.

Thank you,

Simone Brial